I haven’t cut in a few months. I feel the need to now and I’m trying to use an elastic band, but no matter how much I “snap” myself it doesn’t make me feel as good as feeling the blade on my skin and seeing the blood come out little by little…

I just feel so hopeless lately. No school, no job, my friends, no confidence, anxiety. I feel like my brain doesn’t work properly and I have no where to seek help. I feel like I’m inside a bubble and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get to where they are. The world inside my bubble, inside my head, is so different from the world outside my bubble, and I can’t connect to it. Like trying to put a USB in a headphone jack.

I’m just a useless waste of air and space and I feel like I may never get help. I’ll become poor and alone and everyone will forget about me and I’ll die on the side of the road somewhere like I deserve. I don’t want to die, but I don’t see how I can live like a normal person at all.

I just feel so lonely and shitty, I miss my boyfriend, I’m almost 100% certain he’s hiding something from me AGAIN and I just want to disappear.
Dying is so messy and people get hurt, but if you disappear no one will ever know you were gone…

I hate being a human being with emotions and feelings sometimes. 

Me and boyfriend talked, he promised not to lie again and explained why and crap, so I guess that’s that for now. He said he’s going to do something to gain my trust back, so if I see him really make an effort than I will forgive and forget, for the last time however… I don’t want to lose him, and I’ve always been a believer in fighting for a relationship and not giving up when it gets tough, but I can’t be in a relationship with him if I lose all trust, it’ll make me miserable from the stress and worry and him from dealing with my possible paranoia…
Anyways, so lets see what he has in store, it better be good! >:O

In other better news, I do finally have a term for my sexuality. My problems been knowing my sexuality but having no real label for it, because it’s a little long.

So as I’ve said before, I am pansexual, panromantic, demisexual and demiromantic.
I asked advice on a tumblr for asexuals, since demisexuality is on the ace spectrum and it’s not really the pansexuality I was struggling with, I’ve been identified as that for 2 years now. Anyways, they suggested pandemisexual pandemiromantic which is what I’ve used before but for me it was just too long and made me feel like a faker or someone who just wants attention… So they also suggested simply demipansexual, which I liked, so I played around with it and I finally came up with 2 terms I’ll switch between depending on the context in which I mention them;

Pandemisexual/romantic & then simply Pandemisexual.

The first is still a bit long, but it works and it is a lot simpler with the bracket, the second is just short and simple and sums it up as simple as possible, since I still struggle with anxiety when describing demiromanticism because no one believes me yet…

So yeah, I’m happy to finally get it out of the way. I’m still playing on whether I want to mention the romantic bit, and I might keep it to myself until specifically asked or I’m talking to someone knowledgeable of LGBT+ etc, but I’ll definitely adopt the second term, I think it’s cute and I’m very happy :3
I don’t know if anyone even wants to, but feel free to steal the idea for yourself! I take no credit and would love to help others if possible!

I’m hoping I won’t have an anxiety issue again and start to doubt myself. Anxiety and sexual orientation label confusion don’t go well together…  

I think I do… I hate myself, I hate my reflection, I’m a terrible, ugly person inside and out, upside down and side ways. 

Terrible

and ugly…

Horrid… 

i just wish he’d understand that tears and worries can be fixed, through hugs, kisses, reassurance, bad jokes, anything that makes me happy…

but lying, and hiding things, it stacks up. the first time i can cry and forgive him, the 2nd time i cry some more and forgive him, the 3rd time begins to feel like being punches in the heart, and i’ll cry and worry for ages and then forgive him…
but the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, HOW MANY TIMES, i just cant forgive and forget. i can forgive with enough sorrys and hugs, but i cant trust properly anymore… like today, he was being so nice, and telling me he was near a window, but i couldnt trust him, i know the tone of voice, the nervousness and little pause when i say something he didnt expect and doesnt have an answer too; i heard cars, RIGHT next to him, busy cars, i knew he wasnt next to an upstairs window in his house in a coldesac, i heard the wind in the phone and his voice waver because he was walking. i know i sound crazy right now, but its because i just… felt like i couldnt trust him, and when you start suspecting things you notice the little things

i think it hurts more because i KNEW he was lying, and i still wanted so much to trust him. i asked him to tap his metal bed, take a picture of his room, i just needed to know he was telling the truth so i could grovel and believe that the 4th time was the last lie…

but it wasnt. unlucky number 5…